Of Moose and Milk

Costco, Destroyer of Worlds
April 27, 2010, 4:45 pm
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Converse Chuck Taylor Padded Collar 2

White leather ? Aye, sir ; aye .

So, this weekend I went to Halifax with my girlfriend and her parents to attend the annual Junior Achievement Awards Gala. Of course, got up ridiculously early and went up the day before, to maximize potential opportunities to, you know, shop and stuff. We made a stop at the Mic Mac Mall, where I purchased a lovely pair of [cheap!] khaki shorts from the Gap, and a most badass, if slightly untraditional, pair of new Chuck Taylors to pair with my blue shirt/grey pants/white tie gala outfit.

After hitting up Mic Mac, we proceeded on to bigger, better shopping areas- namely, the warehouse of heavenly goodness that most people refer to as Costco. Now,I’m a big guy ; as my old man often puts it, I’m “built like a brick shithouse”. Being as large as I am subsequently creates a desire for everything I come in contact with to be proportionately substantial, and for this reason, the idea of buying foods in bulk obviously makes me very happy . By “very happy”, I mean it makes me as happy as a prepubescent school girl screaming and crying at a Justin Bieber concert, which is, as many of you will know, is quite happy .


Heaven .

Costco, of course, really knows how to deliver in this respect. I’m convinced it is the Mecca of bulk foods; the one place where all shoppers are truly equal, regardless of size or monetary income. Martin Luther King, Jr. should’ve looked at Costco before he gave the “I Have a Dream” speech, because his dream had already come true. I mean, let’s be serious here ; where else but Costco can you purchase EVERY SINGLE THING YOU COULD EVER NEED TO LIVE under one roof , and for reasonable prices? They’ve got everything from frozen meat to construction equipment , all in massive quantities, and for significantly less than “small box stores” like Wal-mart (I say “small box” instead of “big box”, because I can certainly assure you, the boxes at Costco are positively mammoth). I snagged myself a number of wonderful items, including 2.2 kg of “Shopsy’s Premium 1/4-pound All-Beef Frankfurters” [read: big fucking hot dogs] for just $11.99, a colossal box of “Dad’s Old-Fashioned Oatmeal Cookies” containing a downright obscene ninety six delicious oatmeal morsels for just $13.99, and most magical of all, a ridiculously large apple & caramel pie that weighed so much I could have used it to work out with, for the low, low price of just $9.99 (plus HST and applicable taxes). The joy that I experienced while frantically running up and down the aisles of bulk goods with my girlfriend, elbowing viciously through a fierce conflict between a mother of 7 and a cheap bachelor over who gets the last 50-pound box of Cap’n Crunch breakfast cereal, isn’t comparable to anything else I’ve ever experienced.

I didn’t believe in love at first sight until I met Shelby. Then it made sense to me- however a part of me still figured it was just a coincidence, that I was at the right place at the right time, and things just worked out for the best.  I was wrong; love at first sight exists, as I felt it the moment I stepped into The Holiest Warehouse. Costco swept me off my feet like a very strong, very attractive woman in some strange ultra-feminist romance novel. If I can’t get married TO Costco, I can guarantee I’ll at least get married IN Costco.

Oh, and the rest of the weekend was great, too . I had a great time with Shel, and the gala was a success; we looked damn fly, and watching the missus win EVERY GODDAMN AWARD I COULD THINK OF was wonderful. Good job honey ; we’re proud of you.

As I always say, quality time with the girl I’m crazy with is always wonderful ..

..especially when it’s spent at Costco!